Why are you insecure?

by - 1:16 PM

Sometimes, I stand in front of the mirror in my room and tell myself I’m beautiful. This isn’t me being vain or trying to copy one of those motivational jargons on instagram or twitter.
It might be one of those days when I’m wearing matching underwear or when my tummy’s not bloated from being on my period or indigestion. Ladies...are you with me?  Or it could just be any other day. I’d stand in front of the mirror and go “damn girl!” or “God took his time when he was creating you!”. And it’s totally true because God did take his time in creating me to look like Him. I look at myself and tell myself that a lot of girls would give anything to have some of my features — my dimple for example. I know people that would be so crazily happy if they woke up one morning with a dimple. I didn’t even realize I had a dimple until I became an adult. I knew it was there, but I didn’t see it as big deal or as something that made me different from a lot of people. I tell myself now that I am this amazing being but has it always been that way? Did I always think I was pretty or that whatever I had to say mattered ?  Hell no. 

A lot of people do not really know what insecurity means, so I’d explain it to you. Insecurity here means being uncertain about yourself. It means that you think you’re not enough. How on earth would I look at my awesome self and think that I am not enough? Why should I be unsure of myself? I don’t need anybody’s okay...I’m amazing by myself. So what is the cause of the uncertainty? Why do I keep having these doubts ?
I like to think of insecurity as a thing of the mind because, well, it is. When you tell yourself that you’re not enough and you believe it, it’d continue to be so. You’ll do everything and go into new relationships and have new jobs and you’d never be enough. How do expect people to tell you you’re beautiful when you think you’re not? 

I was really shy growing up and so making friends was difficult for me. I had mad fun with my brothers as a child (I don’t have a sister) but the minute I realized I was different from them, I started keeping my distance. I was so confused about my rapid growth and that just made me want to stay in my room all day. I was the only one that had to figure out why I was in pains and bleeding even when I didn’t get injured. Staying away made me become used to being alone and then shy around people. When it was time to be friends with people, it was hard. I had to start learning how to speak to people and express how I feel because humans can’t read minds. I was trying so hard but nobody saw that. My best friend at the time even complained about me not opening up to her, even though I was telling her more than I ever told anyone. 

In secondary school, I remember having a conversation with my big brother where I was explaining to him how sad school had become for me. I was the best student in school and teachers weren’t being nice to my classmates about it. I don’t really blame them for hating me anymore. My school celebrated the best students so much that most of my textbooks were bought by the management. At the time, all I wanted was for my parents to tell me that they were extremely proud of me. My classmates were already not talking to me but I just wanted to feel like my hard work was worth it. My parents were obviously proud but the “African” in them wouldn’t let them tell me. The worse thing was when a classmate that had gotten the award for “best improved” told us about how her parents had taken her out to celebrate her. I remember telling my brother that I wanted to fail cos it wasn’t even worth it. I mean..I’d end up having friends if I was failing. I also recall him telling me that I wasn’t doing it for anybody but myself. That stuck and I continued working hard but it didn’t fix the feeling of not being enough that had started to build up in my head. I felt I wasn’t enough for my parents to be proud of me and I wasn’t enough for my classmates to want to be friends.

I was having a conversation with a friend a few days ago and he said that being insecure was “normal”. Insecurity is starting to feel normal in that everyone feels it at some point. That is what makes it “normal” now. Even the most confident person doubts themselves at some point. People will act like they are so sure about everything when deep down they’re just trying to cover up all that anxiety and uncertainty. 
I was explaining how I started feeling insecure about myself. If I was feeling some type of way about myself in school, how would I go into relationships (friendships) and be able stand up for myself when people are trying to make me feel less of myself? If you’re insecure about A, you’d definitely doubt B too. I ended up with friends that treated me like crap because they could smell the doubt. It’s really difficult to go all out for people and then have them walk all over you when you need them. I had a major bump with things a while ago and I desperately needed my friends. I’m not saying this to make anyone seem bad or maybe to play the victim. It’s just a different kind of pain to have your friends avoid you or stop talking to you out of nowhere when you need them the most. It had me questioning myself. Maybe I was a bad person and I just didn’t know it. Was I really that terrible that all these things were happening to me at the same time? And then you’d start to tell yourself that “you love too much”...like loving too much is a bad thing. 

I want to talk more on this in the next post but let me know what you think. What’s the source of your insecurity? Share and leave a comment ❤️

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  1. Just like your friend.. I also feel it’s okay to feel insecure sometimes but you should be able to gather the energy to assure yourself that you’re enough

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  3. This subject of insecurities, is something I've battled for the longest, and I'm still battling. I dont have an exactly proud dentition and growing up, puberty started to set in and back then in school we all started to notice who was attractive and who wasnt and then I started to look at the mirror more and I noticed how my teeth wasnt exactly as fine looking as my friends. It was so bad I started practicing how to smile in a certain way that didnt reveal all the bad bits in my dentition, I started to put myself down when the subject of fine people came up so nobody would point out that my dentition was whack, it did happen once or twice nonetheless. I always ended up questioning why any the girl would like me, if it was genuine, I always tried to have tangible reasons. These insecurities started to seep into other areas of my life and like you said, you really need to beat these doubts of not being enough so yes! I tell myself I'm a whole ass meal and any girl will be lucky to create babies with me πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    1. You’re a beautiful man Micheal πŸ˜ŠπŸ€—