Bee’s Banter

by - 7:09 PM


Hi. For a month now, I have randomly (more often than usual) had panic attacks. I would suddenly not be able to breathe. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it. I have brought it up twice though, in two different conversations with two different people, hoping that something would come out of it. But for some reason (I'm not trying to make anyone look or feel bad), they skipped that part of the conversation. I recently made a huge decision in my life that I had been so scared to make and the days leading up to everything (the decision) being finalised have been the hardest. In fact on the last day, I felt so powerless. I felt like I was making the right decision but losing at the same time. I needed my time alone after doing something so difficult but I didn't get to have my time alone. I spent the rest of that day sad, confused...just super emotional. My emotions were all over the place. I wanted the chance to be able to scream so loud. I wanted to think and just be. I didn't get that chance. I spent the rest of the day doing things for other people ( people I love though).

I hate the part of me that feels the need to rescue or help people (sometimes) while disregarding my own feelings. I'll definitely talk about this big decision I made someday. I'll talk about the whole story behind it and everyone involved, but today I just want to heal. I'm hurting so much and it just sucks that I can't do anything about it. I tried to talk about it but it didn't go well. I just got angrier. I don't have much of an appetite and I feel like I have a fever. I hate how my mood is tied to my appetite. I don't know if you'll see this or if it would stay in my notes forever like the others. I just get so scared of being so vulnerable but I guess it's fine to be once in a while.

One of the things I do when I just want time to pass is watch TikTok videos. I found out that something I've been experiencing for a long time has a name. Have I lost you? I’m sorry. So, I started by telling you I’ve been having panic attacks. When I was about 17, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I would suddenly not be able to breathe and I would get weak and my feet and hands would get so numb. Sometimes, I would pass out. I also had this growth in my nostril that got inflamed and prevented me from breathing, so I just assumed it was just that. I got treated and I would have it just once in a long while. Then I suddenly literally started feeling chills go down my spine. I would be doing something and I would suddenly shiver. I assumed it was cold because I get cold easily. I just thought it was weird that it also happened when I was hot. It’s been happening a lot recently, and then the panic attacks too. I found a TikTok video of a girl explaining what it is - an anxiety tic. I’ve been having anxiety tics. People rarely take me seriously when I talk about my anxiety cos “Nigeria” I guess. It’s not a big deal. I’ve talked about it before especially when I’m about to get drawn into something that would trigger it. I’ve been cutting off things that are actively dragging me to a place of depression. You should too ❤️. Thanks for reading this. See you next time.

Ps: I didn't read this after writing it. I'm tired 💔

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