Being friends with your ex

by - 6:17 AM

Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed the takeover as much as I did? It was mad o!  It was really nice to have fellow writers here on my blog and there’s more to come. Gbenga made me realize I actually didn’t have a proper crush growing up, because I never risked my life like that for anyone🌚. Plus my “crush” only lasted for like a second (that doesn’t count right?). And small pineapple’s topic helped me bring back thoughts I’ve been shoving down. Like I said in the previous post, I’ve always wanted to talk about this but it’s a really sensitive topic. You don’t know what I’m talking about? I’m talking about being friends with you ex. If you didn’t read it, I forgive you and you can read it here.
Oh...and to whom it may concern, I finished my “crocheting project”. I made a bralette and it came out really well. As the badass that I am, this quarantine thing has nothing on me guys! Let’s get down to business...shall we?

In the last post, Small pineapple mentioned that an ex-boyfriend from four years ago called her and tried to see if he could “rekindle their old flame”πŸ˜‚. She ended the post by asking if you guys had ever been in a similar situation and then I went ahead to ask if you could become friends with an ex. I realized how much people relate to this ex wahala and quite a number of people had something to say (even though they were saying it  in my dmsπŸŒšπŸ™„). Some felt that it was totally pointless to be friends with an ex and a few did not get what the big deal was. Others said they were cool with it and that they even had their exes as friends.
Firstly, I can only tell the people who don’t get why this is a big deal to get an ex first. When you get your heart completely broken with nothing left to give another person, then you can come back and we’ll talk. No offense, but you kinda need to experience this personally to understand what we’re talking about. I know people might be saying that not all breakups are bad but we’ll get to that. Secondly, if you think it’s pointless to be friends with your ex, I’m in support by 90%. I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks and no I don’t have a million ex-boyfriends. It’s just...no matter how much you guard your heart, it can still get broken. I can’t agree that being with your ex is totally pointless because there could be certain exceptions. Just a few though...like one in a thousand. There are just a few that might work, although, I haven’t seen any. And lastly, if you feel you can be friends with your ex then you’re a strong person or maybe you’re just deceiving yourself. I’ll tell you why. 

I love love...I’m a sucker for love. I’m crazy about the people I love. I’m just a step closer to nauseating them by sending them love notes everyday. So let’s say I’m in love and as the lovergirl that I am, I put my all into the relationship but all of a sudden, we break up. 
I’m devastated and we stop talking, maybe because he cheated or something. Weeks later, he hits me up and wants us to talk things over. We do that over lunch and we end up smiling at each other. Oh yes! That’s what will happen, because if you ever actually loved someone it doesn’t just go away.  Let’s also assume we don’t meet up to talk about anything and I just gave in because he kept calling. I could forget it and go back to a toxic relationship. Have you ever been manipulated? It’s not pretty! The things a breakup does to a person... You become vulnerable and so manipulation is easy. The fact that you’re in contact with an ex gives you the chance to go back to the same place that you decided to leave. If it was a toxic relationship, you’re even more likely to. For some weird reason, we are attracted to things that are bad for us. This is one angle.

Another thing is having an ex from a “not so bad breakup”. Yes...”not so bad” because no breakup is good since both of you initially agreed to be together. Even if you guys later agreed to end it and it ended on good terms, it’s still a problem. I believe it’s even more dangerous. I’ll tell you why. 
If there was love or even just physical attraction and something that you really couldn’t control (say religion or distance) made you breakup, you can’t be “just friends”. How’s that supposed to work ?  Whenever you meet, the attraction will come up. If you end up in a relationship with another person, your new partner could end up suffering for your bad decision because someone else still has your heart (or brain...if it was just physical πŸ˜’). This one is more dangerous because there wasn’t even a proper breakup. Your feelings are still intact but you had to break it off.  
Maybe I’m wrong and this is all just me. I just believe if there was ever an attraction, it can always come back. Someone mentioned Okafor’s in the comment section last time. That totally supports my view😏 (google “okafor’s law). If you were in a toxic relationship and you’re not completely healed, you can be dragged back in. Humans are manipulative and like I said, sometimes we get attracted to things that are bad for us. Please let me know what you think about this whole ex thing. See you guys soon❤️!


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12 Comments

  1. If you really loved someone and the person was really toxic at a point in that relationship, when I say toxic I mean toxic and the relationship ended. Well,we dont fall out of love guys,so seeing that person and checking on the person will definitely bring back the feelings you ran away from and you will be back to square one which is not mentally and emotionally right for you.. If you wanted to be friends, you should have been friends from the scratch. Dont ask me out and when it goes wrong you ask for my friendship.. Let's be guided o.motor will not jam us o

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    1. Amen o! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Thank you so muchπŸ™πŸΎ

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  2. I think the reason why most people cannot be friends with their exes is because most of us skip the friendship aspect before getting into a relationship. How do you go back to being friends, when y'all were never friends. If you skip the friendship part before going into a romantic relationship and there's a breakup (for whatever reason), then there's nothing to fall back to, since you were never friends.

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    1. Okay this is another angle and it makes a lot of sense! Thank you.

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  3. I don’t have an ex so obviously I don’t know how the ex thing works, but I think it depends on personalities also. I feel there is no rule to these things, some people really know how to control their emotions and deal with stuffs like this really well, some people even forgive toxic exes and still act cool with them even if they don’t end up being friends but they still just talk basic talks

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    1. Yes everyone has their individual capacity. I’d rather not be friends or even acquaintances with a toxic person

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  4. The fact that we are friends after breakup doesn't mean I love her still or didn't love her at all.
    Somehow, it's vice versa_depends on the kind of relationship plus the breakup that we had. Now since there was a mutual agreement for the breakup (even tho it hurt), there's no point having her as enemy; life goes on_The Yorubas will say: the eyes that as seen someone before can't deny it_ in what sense? We once shared love before and can't pretend like it never happen.
    Personally, I keep my ex as friend and wish her luck.
    What I don't and would never allow is if along the friendship, she then discover something about me or her incumbent guy and decides to come back_ Nah, that's not going to happen. Or been jealous of my gf or trying to middle in so much with my affairs_Nah.
    Some cases happens that after the breakup I will love the girl but it's only a matter of time, another Damsel who's even better will take over and that's it.
    I keep my ex as friend not because I love her or because I didn't love her but because I still LIKE her. Shikina

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    1. Lol...like? That’s like playing with fire when you know it could burn you.

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  5. Mehn Love can get one messed up....we broke up like 5 years ago due to distance but fam that bond and that special tingling feeling is still there to the both of us and she doesn't even hide her own coz she still behaves like we r in love and she's presently inna serious relationship infact her introduction is this year...i just have to keep that distance between us before things escalates
    So my view...I think its best they both cut ties with each other completely immediately after the break up coz you can't just be in the person life as friends coz that feelings will definitely not go away esp from a good or let me say not so bad break up

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  6. Being friends after a breakup depends on the emotional strength of those involved, if you're not so strong dont bother things can get messy after a while but if you think you are. I think its it's okay I'm friends with all my exes. but you definitely should learn boundaries. If you don't learn boundaries things will get complicated. I've been friends with all my exes before we even started dating so breakups have not been extremely bad nor easy either but i think I've been able to manage by shutting off some part of me completely. it hurts but selflessness is something I think we all need to learn.

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  7. I feel it all boils down to the reason behind the break-up. A relationship might not have worked because both parties do not exactly share core values to actually function well as a couple. Don't stop them from being friends after the break-up; or a party in the relationship had cause to move far away, the whole long distance thingy didn't make it work. It don't mean sometimes in the future, one cannot call the ex to see how they are doing or stuff.. Of course, if you are coming out of a toxic relationship, I wouldn't advise you to keep in touch with such a person except they encounter Jesus and there is hard evidence to support the claim.
    Thing is there should no rule that you should or shouldn't be friends with your ex

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